Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
