i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
