My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
