the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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