I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
