apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Man, jail baloney is awful.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Rumble strips road head = magical
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
