If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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