1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
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im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
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because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.