those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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