why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
