It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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