Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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