guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
