I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
