I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
