Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
