she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
