Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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