I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
