there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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