I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
