Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
