If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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