I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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