So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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