About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
