Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
