the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
