I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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