then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
