i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
