I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Randomize
