Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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