when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
