I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
