fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
