I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
