turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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