I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
