My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
