I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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