Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
