so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize