I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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