and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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