so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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