i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize