woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
