No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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