I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
