So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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