I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
