some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
