I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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