gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
now i know why i became what i already was.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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