she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
