Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
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When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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