Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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